


Blame

by Pups3942



Series: The Desolate Kingdom [7]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, M/M, Minor Character Death, References to Depression, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-05 04:18:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16803490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pups3942/pseuds/Pups3942
Summary: It was Tony's fault. There was no denying it.





	Blame

Tony wiped away his tears before placing his hand on the handle. Today was the day everything would end. It had been his fault, there was no other explanation, and he would have to accept the consequences. Except that this time, Tony felt like there wasn’t a turning back and that it was truly over. 

Loki found him first; laying unconscious and barely breathing on the cold, hard floor of Tony’s lab. Despite countless reminders to tidy up after use and especially to not leave loose wires on the ground, Tony failed to listen. And when an inquisitive four year old stumbled in the lab, he did what every four year old would do. That was to play with the dangerous, new found toys and unfortunately for him, included a couple of live wires from a recent project. 

It was Tony's fault. 

Tony's gaze blurred instantly after watching the shallow breathing of the small body tightly tucked under the white sheets. The constant humming machines that surrounded the bed was something he had come to hate. It was the only thing that kept his child alive. 

His child. His and Loki's child. 

The doctors couldn't save him. They had been pacing for hours outside the operation theatre on the day of the accident and Loki had condemned Tony since. When the doors opened, the parents were greeted with the doctor's shake of his head and that apologetic smile. Needless to say, Loki broke down into tears immediately after and Tony, he was simply stunned as he let the news sink into him. 

Their son was brain dead and Loki didn't want to pull the plug. 

How could he? Tony didn’t smother Loki with lies. There was no chance that the child would wake over time, and Tony made sure to tell Loki that. Still, he didn’t want to pull the plug.  _ It’s murder. _

“Leave.”

“Loki, I-”

“Leave.”

“He’s my kid too.”

Loki glared at Tony, his eyes were swollen from crying and he wore a scowl on his face. “You don’t deserve to be here. You’re unfit to be his father.”

And Tony left it at that. Loki needed time to cool off, and Tony could do nothing but give him the time. Days turned to weeks with no progress from the child and Tony was beginning to see the signs of wear taking a toll on Loki. When Tony brought up the thought of taking the child off the machines again, he was expecting another lashing down from his partner. 

This time, Loki said nothing. 

And it was that very reason that frightened the life out of Tony. The thing about Tony was that he had too much time alone, and that meant he had hours on his hand to think. 

What did this mean to Tony? To Loki? 

Probably a strained relationship with more disagreements than they had before. It would be more than difficult, coping from a family of soon be four to… Well, to two again, and the baby.  _ If _ , Loki would come back to the tower after the ordeal.  _ If _ Loki wanted Tony back into his life again. And damned the world Tony would do anything to have Loki come back. 

It was undoubtedly selfish. But he wanted Loki back. 

How was this going to work? 

It wasn't. There was no sugarcoating, it simply wasn't going to work. Not with Loki loathing him, not with Tony’s self blaming. He had to redeem himself if Tony wanted even the slightest chance for Loki to forgive him. Yet he knew that his promises were worth less than a grain of salt. Because he was Tony Stark. 

Tony Stark, the billionaire who could have everything he wanted, who could do anyone he pleased; the same Tony Stark who couldn't keep his family safe. It was Tony Stark who destroyed his own future. 

Tony Stark ruined his own potential happiness with the only man he had cared for from the bottom of his metal heart. Perhaps, it was Tony Stark who truly didn't have a heart. 

He blinked away the tears that began to form. It was too late for regrets now. Tony pushed down on the handle and finally walked into the hospital room. Today was the day where he had a chance to start afresh. 

Loki sat on the bed as he cradled the little boy in his arms. Even as friends and family came forward to say their last words to the child, mostly assuring what a brave and delightful boy the child had been, Loki didn't spare them a single glance. He couldn't afford to tear his gaze away from his child that… That he was about to kill by decision. 

The doctor flicked the switches off and waited for the child's chest to still before he went ahead to check his vitals. 

Then he called the time of death. 

The sniffles in the room only got louder and Tony realized only then, how quiet the room had been. The soft humming that he was used to in the past weeks were gone, as was his son. Silent tears fell from his eyes as be watched Loki pull their child tighter in his embrace. 

Once upon a time, Tony Stark had a brilliant young boy who loved to play in the sun, loved to read and had boundless of imagination. They lived together in a big house and had many adventures together. And they lived happily-

For a while. 

Tony wished they had a happy ever after. 

Tony squeezed his eyes shut to momentarily escape from the brutal reality unfolding before him. Inhaling deeply, Tony willed nerves to calm down. He couldn't afford to break down, not when Loki needed him. 

Tony’s tearfilled gaze lingered upon Loki and frowned. There was something off with Loki. His expression was hard to read as he pulled the child in a tight embrace and pecked at the top of the soft brown hair. To others, it would seem like the parent mourned over their lifeless child. But to Tony, Loki seemed confused. 

Tony couldn't figure out that constant tugging on his heart each time he laid eyes on Loki even as the room cleared and the body was taken away. Only when the two of them were left staring unto the empty bed which sheets had turned cold, did Tony understood the turmoil he felt. 

Loki wasn't crying. 

And he should be crying. 

“Lo?” When Loki didn't respond, Tony shifted his feet and mustered up courage to sit beside his partner. “Loki, come home.”

_ Please?  _

_ Please.  _

“I… “ Tony’s words faded to silence. “Loki?”

_ I miss you.  _

“Go back, Stark.”

Even so, Tony smiled. These were the first words he had heard from Loki all day, and probably in the past weeks. He could work with that, at least Loki was speaking to him directly. 

“You can't stay at the hotel forever. Come home with me.”

“Anywhere is better than with you.” Loki snapped. “I was a fool to stay with you. They were right. You only know how to blow up everything standing in your way.”

“You know that's not true.” 

“I thought I knew. But I don't know that now.”

Tony’s voice dropped to barely a whisper as guilt flooded in. “It was my fault.”

“Go back, Stark.”

_ It's Tony…  _

“But the baby-”

“Would not need you!” Loki growled. “I don't need you, don't you get it?! I loathe you. Now leave!”

_ No you don't. Right? Say that you didn't mean it… Please? Loki… I'm sorry.  _

“Loki, we can start over. You and me, and our unborn.” Tony gestured to Loki's flat abdomen. “This will be our new future. We will work things out. But I can't do that if you don't come home with me.”

“I'm done knocking sense into that thick skull of yours. You never listen.” The last words trailed into a whisper. Loki gathered his belongings and headed for the exit, not once looking back at Tony. “I hope to never see you again.”

Tony's hopes for a future together dissipated into thin air when the door slammed shut. What did he expect? Some majestic flower fall as he and Loki reconciled? Not entirely, maybe a nice dinner would do, but who was he kidding? He should have known, he knew and yet he didn't want to give him up. 

It was indeed a life changing day, just wasn't in the right direction Tony wanted it to go. Life never seemed to heed his expectations anyway. Tony unclenched his fists he didn't know had tensed and heaved. Maybe another day.  _ Maybe.  _

The ache in his chest grew more intense as seconds ticked by and Tony had to pant for oxygen. Stumbling in the dark, Tony didn't know what he was looking for, he just knew he had to look for it. The corners of his eyes blurred and Tony let go of the support he had, crashing face first onto the floor. Pain shot through his chest and the flesh burned where it came into contact with the arc reactor. 

Tony gasped when his chest muscles contracted. Somewhere in the haze, Tony thought he heard the phone ring. That's not right, no one should be awake in this ungodly hour. 

_ This is not real.  _

_ This is not real.  _

_ This is.. Fuck, it's-  _

Tony clutched his chest as he wheezed, pulling his body tighter into a fetal position. The ringing in his head grew louder, then he felt something tug his collar albeit rather violently. 

Tony groaned in pain as his eyelids flew open. 

The ringing didn't stop.

Clad in perspiration, Tony sat up from the cold floor and looked around in the dark. He sighed, from relief? From shock? Tony didn't care anymore.  _ It was just a dream.  _

The tug on his collar grew haste and impatient when the ringing finally stopped before starting again. When Tony was unresponsive, the machine repositioned itself in front if its creator, dropping the mobile into his hands. 

“Who-” Tony squinted at the bright screen and cursed. “It's fucking three in the morning!”

The ringing didn't cease and Tony answered in annoyance. “Someone better be dying!”

This was worse. When Tony arrived at the hospital, he had to calm his nerves before plucking enough courage to step through the doors. In less than 15 hours, Tony had been to this hospital twice. It was something he didn't wish to make a habit of. 

There weren't many people present, but Tony could feel their gaze lingering at his back as he walked past them. He hated it, because these were sympathies. Tony Stark didn't need sympathies. 

He could hear him from the end of the aisle; Loki was screaming his voice hoarse. Just hours before, Loki was doing alright, perhaps a little heartbroken, topped up with guilt and frustration. He was doing less than alright but nonetheless, composed. That being said, was Tony's initial worry. 

Now, seeing Loki strapped to the bed in restraints as he struggled and yelled for his son, Tony slapped himself internally for leaving Loki to grieve alone. Loki paid him no mind as he stepped closer. Small droplets of blood on his arm were the indication that the sedatives had failed to work. If Loki saw Tony, he paid him no mind. 

“Let me take him home.” Tony said as he approached the deranged man.

Tony weighed his limited options of bringing Loki's sanity back in the instance, but none seemed viable. He could slap the man awake if he had been in a trance, or shout at him to hold it together. He could offer Loki a shoulder to cry on or even words of comfort and assurance. But Tony didn't know how to start. 

And so, he chose to remain silent as he undid the restraints. Relief flowed through him as Loki seemingly relaxed as the restraints were taken off. 

That was a good sign. 

Loki sat cross-legged on the bed and Tony frowned when he caught Loki's hand ghosting over his abdomen. 

_ Did it hurt? Was the baby hurt? Was Loki hurt?  _

It was his fault. And he didn't know how to fix it. Tony's mind drifted as he watched Loki, lost in his own thoughts as well. 

Loki could fool anyone else, but he couldn't fool Tony. He knew, that Loki's strong front was nothing but a facade. Cold, heartless, devoid of emotions, these shells were nothing to what Loki truly was. 

Loki was vulnerable, emotion driven. Tony knew these, yet, he let his partner grieve alone. Why? Because Loki said so? Because he thought that time would heal all wounds? Because of guilt? Tony wasn't one to give in to requests just because, especially not when be had his heart set on something. And he thought he had had his heart set on bringing Loki home. 

Turns out, he hadn't had enough will power. 

Because Tony was running away. The great Tony Stark don't run, he gears up and shoots the enemy in the face. But Tony was running away. Maybe it really was guilt. 

Tony should have seen it coming. He should have known, after all, Loki didn't hide the facts. Tony was just oblivious to it. And the truth, harsh as it may be, was Tony to blame. 

Slender fingers wrapped around his throat and Tony was pulled back into reality as the hand squeezed into a choking grasp. With Loki's face less than an inch away from his, Tony could see the crazy in his eyes as they locked contact. 

“You killed my baby, Tony. Everything that happened was your fault.”

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are always welcomed.


End file.
